Friday, August 1, 2014
Not A Patient Patient
I am not patient. Lazy, mostly, but not patient. Once I decide something needs to/has to be done and I've envisioned the outcome, I have zero patience in the waiting for it to be done. And the person I am least patient with is myself. I have a goodly amount of patience with others just not myself.
I expect so much from myself and I'm often falling short on my expectations.
Rheumatoid Arthritis has really thrown a wrench in my plans. I know when I'm feeling good I shouldn't over do it but I've got SO MUCH to do that I race around doing all that I can while I'm able before the rug is pulled out from underneath me.
The Humira was working great and things were looking up, I had Grand Plans for this summer. And in June I noticed I started feeling progressively poorly for whole weeks at a time and I couldn't figure out why, I wasn't pushing myself too much, I wasn't stressed, blahblahblah. I blew it off and excitedly prepared for Greece.
Eleven days into my trip the bottom fell out and I was progressively getting worse. The flight home was torture and the two weeks following I was crippled. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything.
I went to the Rheumatologist and now have a diagnosis and a plan and hope. I lose all sight of hope when I'm in the midst of a flare; when I can't imagine getting through the day let alone getting to 62?
I have, he believes, from my Humira, Drug Induced Lupus. The plan is to change my TNF Inhibitor go on a big steroid burst and go back on Plaquenil. I should be back to good in anywhere between 3 weeks to 6 months depending on when my body stops freaking out over the Humira.
But, I am not patient. I want to finally finish unpacking since we've only lived here for a YEAR! I want my vent hood that's been sitting on the pole barn floor put up. I want the mop boards and quarter round done. I want to paint the upstairs bedrooms. I want to refinish the desk and chair in my bedroom. I want to stop living in a half done house so I can enjoy it.
I want a picture perfect, magazine worthy house. Yesterday.
But, I have to wait some more and it is driving me insane because, you know what, I've got things to do and I don't have the patience to wait.
Learn? Little green guy, I want patience now! And everything on my list done.